Feeling low? Feeling lethargic? Not enjoying life like you used to? Are you a male? Are you a man? If you are a woman, read on and laugh…
Are you ready, willing and able to attend to the servicing of your car and household plumbing but not to the necessities of your own physical health? Happy to clean the plugs of your lawn mower but not the congestion of your heart and lungs? Convinced that the market place is the broker between every problem and its cure? Want to re-charge your health just like you’d recharge your ‘phone? On the market for eternal youth? If so, then take the test on the left*. If you answer ‘yes’ to two or more of these deeply insightful questions, sign up now! Buy a round of pills and become the Superman you always thought you were. Captain America! Iron Man with jets. All yours for a measly $500 per month. $6,000 per year. $60,000 for ten. So long as you don’t die of the side effects…
Yes sir. Answer ‘yes’ and your problem is ‘Low T’. Low testosterone. The latest designer health malady and co-joined cure from Big Brother Pharma. Hand crafted psychoses and associated cures; direct to your door via the fast lane of the marketplace.
Read the questions. What else does this list remind you of? Are these the symptoms of a life let go from too much wallowing in the couch? Aren’t these the symptoms of a bicycle-shaped hole in the life of those afflicted by sloth?
Yes, I could hijack this stupid questionnaire and corral the argument as a pitch for more cycling in your life. All the issues it highlights can be addressed through spending one hour per day on your bike. But, I do confess, there are side effects from the cycling-cure that should footnote any cycling advocacy of that kind. Read the small print that should be attached to cycling your way back to good health. Perhaps these side-effects are enough to keep the mob planted in their couches, sucking pills instead of pushing pedals. I’ll do my community service and spell it all out. Read the following list.
The Small Print… Side Effects of Cycling Yourself Back to Good Health
- Cycling makes you younger. All your friends who are non-cyclists will age faster than you. Your fat buddies won’t be able to keep up. When you want to go outside to play, all they will want to do is sit in their couches and talk about the war…
- Despite the fact that the one hour a day you spend on your bike is one hour less than the time your mates spend in the pub, they will claim that you are spending all your life on your bike.
- As you get fitter than your boss, your boss will start to feel insecure. Soon you’ll be promoted outwards and possibly upwards to places beyond his vision.
- You will start to tire of the conversation with your non-cycling mates. All they will speak about are the maladies of their ill-health. Their new best friend will be their doctor rather than you.
- Your mates will all become ever more obsessed about joining a gym. All they want to discuss are wonders of their workouts and the profiles of their personal trainers. You will become bored to tears.
- Your unmitigated enthusiasm for the spectacular beauty of a carbon fibre frame will gap ever further from your mates’ obsession with open-topped coupes.
- You will need to start shopping for clothes in young-mens’ stores as your waist size declines below the stock your usual store is prepared to carry.
- All your one-time mates want to do is watch TV and drink beer. All you want to do now is climb mountains on your bike…
- Everyone you once knew is now starting to look really, really, old, grey, flabby and bald.
- Everyone you once knew start asking you to carry their loads and run their errands while they hold their backs in pain…
- You want to talk about your improving sprint times; they just want to discuss sciatica.
- You will become fitter than your daughters’ non-cyclist boyfriends.
- Everywhere you go, people you know, and some you don’t, will start whispering about your no doubt ill-gotten good health.
- When you visit your doctor, he’ll call probably panic and call an ambulance when he takes your coma-like pulse.
- Everyone you know will tell you that you have anorexia.
- Or cancer
- Or some other wasting disease.
- Tubby airline check-in twots will spitefully seat you next to the fattest person on the plane.
- Fat tubbies in cars will swerve and swear at you on your bike; to assert their delusions of manly place.
- You start to anger over your subsidisation of the self-neglect of others via the scam of health insurance.
- You will start to notice that statistics and policies will start asserting that you are way, way older than how you feel and probably are.
- Your mates all start to show an inordinate fondness for golf.
- While you aspire to whittle the weight from the fame of your bike, your mates seem intent to boast about the mass of their ever larger, truck-like SUV’s.
- You will become ever more annoyed at the fumes your car-fat friends pump into the air you are relegated to breathe.
- You aspire to cycle the European Alps. They just want to go on a coach tour of golfing resorts.
- Your mates won’t understand the clever witticisms and logos on your road cycling gear…
* I am not going to give these turkeys any linklove by referencing this quiz. Just Google ‘Low T’ and ‘quiz’ if you insist on knowing more. Viva və läs′ə pēd′
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Love the list mate, quite a few items made me smile.
Keep up the good work
Cheers
Tom